The triangular theory of love is a theory of love
developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. Presented in 1985, Sternberg was a
member of the Psychology Department at Yale University. During his time as a
professor, Sternberg emphasized his research in the fields of intelligence,
creativity, wisdom, leadership, thinking styles, ethical reasoning, love, and
hate. In the context of interpersonal relationships, "the three components
of love, according to the triangular theory, are an intimacy component, a
passion component, and a decision/commitment component." Each component
manifests a different aspect of love.
Intimacy
Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness,
and bondedness in loving relationships.
It thus includes within its purview those feelings that give rise,
essentially, to the experience of warmth in a loving relationship.
Passion
Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance,
physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena in loving
relationships. The passion component
includes within its purview those sources of motivational and other forms of
arousal that lead to the experience of passion in a loving relationship.
Decision/commitment
Decision/commitment refers, in the short-term, to the
decision that one loves a certain other, and in the long-term, to one's
commitment to maintain that love. These
two aspects of the decision/commitment component do not necessarily go
together, in that one can decide to love someone without being committed to the
love in the long-term, or one can be committed to a relationship without
acknowledging that one loves the other person in the relationship.
The three components of love interact with each
other: For example, greater intimacy may
lead to greater passion or commitment, just as greater commitment may lead to
greater intimacy, or with lesser likelihood, greater passion. In general, then, the components are
separable, but interactive with each other.
Although all three components are important parts of loving
relationships, their importance may differ from one relationship to another, or
over time within a given relationship.
Indeed, different kinds of love can be generated by limiting cases of
different combinations of the components.
The three components of love generate eight possible
kinds of love when considered in combination. It is important to realize that
these kinds of love are, in fact, limiting cases: No relationship is likely to be a pure case
of any of them.
Forms of Love
So, the three components, pictorially labeled on the
vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they
produce so as to form seven different kinds of love experiences (nonlove is not
represented). The size of the triangle functions to represent the
"amount" of love—the bigger the triangle, the greater the love. Each
corner has its own type of love and provides different combinations to create
different types of love and labels for them. The shape of the triangle
functions to represent the "style" of love, which may vary over the
course of the relationship:
Non-love
The absence of any of the three types of love. No
connection. Indifferent to relationship.
Liking/friendship
This type of love is intimacy without passion or
commitment. This includes friendships and acquaintances.
Infatuated love
Infatuated love is passion without intimacy or
commitment. This is considered "puppy love" or relationships that have
not become serious yet. Romantic relationships often start out as infatuated
love and become romantic love as intimacy develops over time. Without
developing intimacy or commitment, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.
Empty love
Empty love is characterized by commitment without
intimacy or passion. A stronger love may deteriorate into empty love. In an
arranged marriage, the spouses' relationship may begin as empty love and
develop into another form, indicating "how empty love need not be the
terminal state of a long-term relationship...[but] the beginning rather than
the end".
Romantic love
This love is passionate and intimate but has no commitment.
This could be considered a romantic affair or could be a one-night stand.
Companionate love
Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of
love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term
commitment. "This type of love is observed in long-term marriages where passion
is no longer present" but where a deep affection and commitment remain.
The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love,
as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.
Fatuous love
Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship
and marriage—it has points of passion and commitment but no intimacy. An
example of this is "love at first sight".
Consummate love
Consummate love is the complete form of love,
representing an ideal relationship which people strive towards. Of the seven
varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with
the "perfect couple". According to Sternberg, these couples will
continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they
cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they
overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship
with one other. However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love
may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating
the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns,
"even the greatest of loves can die." Thus, consummate love may not
be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate
love. Consummate love is the most satisfying kind of adult relation because it
combines all pieces of the triangle into this one type of love. It is the ideal
kind of relationship. These kinds of relationships can be found over long
periods of time or idealistic relationships found in movies.
Love does not involve only a single triangle. Rather, it involves a great number of
triangles, only some of which are of major theoretical and practical
interest. For example, it is possible to
contrast real versus ideal triangles.
One has not only a triangle representing his or her love for the other,
but also a triangle representing an ideal other for that relationship. Finally,
it is important to distinguish between triangles of feelings and triangles of
action.
Applying the
Triangular Theory of Love
Sternberg’s theory can be helpful in relationships in
which one or both partners feel dissatisfied or sense that something is
missing. Sometimes couples find it difficult to put their finger on exactly
what is causing their feelings of discontent or discord with their partner. If
they examine their relationship from the perspective of the triangular theory,
they may make two important discoveries. First, they may feel encouraged and
relieved to find that they are quite strong on one or two of the components.
This often helps validate their positive feelings for each other and motivates
them to work on other areas in the relationship. Second, they will be able to
identify more specifically the aspects of their relationship that may be weak,
missing, or in need of work. This, then, will enable them to establish a mutual
focus for enhancing and improving the bond between them.
Most people in love relationships tend to feel unhappy at
times if any one of the three components—intimacy, passion, or commitment—is
weak or missing. You can be in a committed relationship and feel lonely and
disconnected if you do not feel that special intimacy with your partner. You
can feel angry, frustrated, and betrayed if your relationship lacks commitment.
And many couples find themselves dissatisfied and longing for the passion that
has faded over time from their relationship, although they continue to
experience a strong sense of commitment and intimacy.
Are you curious about your love triangle?
“Self‐Discovery: The Triangle of Your Love” offers you the opportunity to
assess where your relationship (current or past) might fall within Sternberg’s
theory. Take the scale yourself or with your partner (gently, as a basis for
meaningful discussion, not as an argument starter!), or you and your partner
might complete the assessment separately and then discuss your results.
Self‐Discovery. The Triangle of Your Love
Each component in Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
is measured by your responses on fifteen items, for a total of forty-five
items. Think about a past or present relationship partner (just one!). If you
have not yet been in a love relationship, think of how you might answer when
you are. Respond to each item using the following key:
1——2——3——4——5——6——7——8——9
“Not at all” “Moderately” “Extremely”
The scoring key is at the end of the scale. You can take
the scale on your own, with your partner, or separately before discussing your
results. (Be aware that some responses may be unexpected or displeasing, so
exercise caution when sharing this assessment with your partner.)
Intimacy Component
·
_______1. I am actively supportive
of my partner’s well-being.
·
_______2. I have a warm relationship
with my partner.
·
_______3. I am able to count on my
partner in times of need.
·
_______4. My partner is able to
count on me in times of need.
·
_______5. I am willing to share
myself and my possessions with my partner.
·
_______6. I receive considerable
emotional support from my partner.
·
_______7. I give considerable
emotional support to my partner.
·
_______8. I communicate well with my
partner.
·
_______9. I value my partner greatly
in my life.
·
_______10. I feel close to my
partner.
·
_______11. I have a comfortable
relationship with my partner.
·
_______12. I feel that I really
understand my partner.
·
_______13. I feel that my partner
really understands me.
·
_______14. I feel that I can really
trust my partner.
·
_______15. I share deeply personal
information about myself with my partner.
Passion Component
·
_______16. Just seeing my partner
excites me.
·
_______17. I find myself thinking
about my partner frequently during the day.
·
_______18. My relationship with my
partner is very romantic.
·
_______19. I find my partner to be
very personally attractive.
·
_______20. I idealize my partner.
·
_______21. I cannot imagine another
person making me as happy as my partner does.
·
_______22. I would rather be with my
partner than with anyone else.
·
_______23. There is nothing more
important to me than my relationship with my partner.
·
_______24. I especially like
physical contact with my partner.
·
_______25. There is something almost
magical about my relationship with my partner.
·
_______26. I adore my partner.
·
_______27. I cannot imagine life
without my partner.
·
_______28. My relationship with my
partner is passionate.
·
_______29. When I see romantic
movies and read romantic books, I think of my partner.
·
_______30. I fantasize about my
partner.
Commitment
Component
·
_______31. I know that I care about
my partner.
·
_______32. I am committed to
maintaining my relationship with my partner.
·
_______33. Because of my commitment
to my partner, I would not let other people come between us.
·
_______34. I have confidence in the stability
of my relationship with my partner.
·
_______35. I could not let anything
get in the way of my commitment to my partner.
·
_______36. I expect my love for my
partner to last for the rest of my life.
·
_______37. I will always feel a
strong responsibility for my partner.
·
_______38. I view my commitment to
my partner as a solid one.
·
_______39. I cannot imagine ending
my relationship with my partner.
·
_______40. I am certain of my love
for my partner.
·
_______41. I view my relationship
with my partner as permanent.
·
_______42. I view my relationship
with my partner as a good decision.
·
_______43. I feel a sense of
responsibility toward my partner.
·
_______44. I plan to continue my
relationship with my partner.
·
_______45. Even when my partner is
hard to deal with, I remain committed to our relationship.
Scoring Key
Add your ratings for each of the three sections—intimacy,
passion, and commitment—and write the totals in the blanks. Divide each score
by 15 to get an average scale score or rating.
·
Intimacy score ÷ 15 = Intimacy rating.
·
Passion score ÷ 15 = Passion rating.
·
Commitment score ÷ 15 = Commitment
rating.
Here’s what your scores mean in terms of how you see your
relationship:
·
1–3 = This component is low or lacking and could
indicate a serious weakness in your relationship satisfaction or strength.
·
4–6 = Your relationship contains a moderate
level of this component, but it could be worked on and strengthened.
·
7–9 = Your relationship is on a solid footing
for this component.
Examining your ratings for each of the three scales will
give you an idea of how you perceive the level of intimacy,
passion, and commitment in your love relationship. If you feel your
relationship is less than ideal, this knowledge may offer insights into how to
make it stronger.
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