Saturday, September 5, 2015

30 Signs your Relationship is Over

When you first met, you thought the two of you had been touched by the same star. Then something happened. Love began to crumble. You made excuses. There was tension when you were together.

But you reasoned that it was still better than being lonely, because fear of the monster called “Alone” too often leads people to stay in relationships long after a connection has ended, emotionally and physically.

The United States Census Bureau reported in 2011 that its latest data (compiled in 2009) indicated that 83 percent of all currently married couples had made it to their fifth anniversary, and about 55 percent had stayed married at least 15 years. However, if you look closely at the data, a large share of the couples had in fact are separated, though not divorced—but these did not figure into the overall statistics. And there was no tally of the "un-divorced"—those no longer wishing to stay married but who, for various (often financial) reasons remain legally together.

Well, there are cases, when people well aware that their relationship is over, but choose to stay together for various reasons. But that not be true for you. You still think you are in, but there is a creepy internal voice, whispering in that it is over, and time to move on.

You need to understand that sometimes trying to ignore and hide from yourself and your partner, that there is no future, is a bad way to react on such situation. If there no hope, the harmonious, or at least normal, family relationship can be achieved, and what is expected ahead is just slow degrading dysfunctional family suffering, may be the best way is official separation and divorce. Sounds scary? Yes, but there is a chance to start a new life with another partner which may prove to be significantly more joyful and rewarding.

But how do you know your relationship, your love, your heavenly connection to your spouse or partner is over?

Read these xx signs and ask yourself if you experience any of them. Check with your partner and ask him or her to check as well. If either of you experience more than just a few of these telltale signs in your rocky romance, your dull or terrible family life, perhaps it is time to have that we-need-to-talk conversation!

1. You do not respect your partner anymore. You may even think your partner is a good person, but deep within, you don’t admire them or think their words are worth your time. If you do not think your partner is worth your admiration, in all probability, you may be looking down at your partner or perhaps even feel embarrassed by them!

2. You say, “I love you” rarely to never. Trying to force the words does not really work. The less you feel them, the less you say them. You might find yourself smiling and changing the subject when he says he loves you. It is probably one of the more noticeable signs, especially for the other person. Even if you do say it often, pay attention to how you feel when you say it. If it does not feel right, then you are falling out of love. Also, hearing “I love you” makes you uncomfortable. You probably feel a little guilty or uncomfortable when he tells you he loves you. Why? You do not really feel the same. The worse you feel when he says it, the more obvious it is the love you once felt is fading away.

3. Spending time together is boring. Both of you just do not have anything to talk about anymore. Silence in conversations is a sign of comfort, but in your case, it makes you feel awkward or want to yawn! There are no little talks anymore, and your partner’s company just bores you to death.

4. Resentment. Are you suffering silently, taking your lumps, gritting your teeth, and never directly confronting your partner over behaviors that make you angry? You may think you are saving the relationship by not speaking up, but you are actually flooding yourself with resentment that will inevitably overflow. Do not fool yourself into believing your reservoir is unlimited. The tipping point will come, and your resentment will influence your own behavior, in ways you may not even be aware of, leading you to get back at your partner and drive the death stake into the relationship. When resentment moves in, communication has moved out, and there is little hope for reconciliation.

5. You do not care. You do not really care about your partner, or what they are doing with their life. You are selfish and you are only concerned with your own life, your own achievements and your own happiness. This may make you feel uneasy to accept, but you know it is the truth. Well, if you have a join financial account, you may still be really anxious to have your partner steady job and steady income, as it is your matter of concern, but is not about your partner anymore.

6. Your eyes wander. You think you love your significant other, but you cannot stop your eyes from looking all around you all the time. You start finding another person or two a lot more interesting and exciting. Sometimes, you may imagine another person near in life and bed, or you do not get so far. In any case, that is a lot more common than you think. After all, if you do not find your partner attractive anymore, can you help yourself from falling for someone else?

7. Your partner is full of flaws. You cannot help but constantly pick flaws in your husband or wife. All the time! Every time you see them, or every time they do something, they just seem to be riddled with flaws and imperfections.

8. Trust is a thing of the past. As you fall out of love, you might stop trusting your partner. After all, you feel like you are lying to him or her by staying. If you no longer trust, the love is dying too. It is time to find someone you do trust.

9. You are not emotionally connected anymore. You are indifferent to your partner’s feelings and thoughts. You may pretend to care about your boyfriend or girlfriend, but deep inside, you know you do not really give a damn about what your partner is feeling or what they are up to. You love your partner, but you do not want to involve yourself so deep that you have to play a part in making them feel better about themselves.

10. Staying in touch is a chore. You hate having to constantly call or text your partner to keep them updated about your life when you are not around them. Even if it is just calling each other a couple of times a day, it just annoys you because you feel like you have to report to someone about where you are and what you are doing.

11. You cannot see a future together anymore. There are no talks about the future between the both of you. And your partner no longer plays a pivotal role in your big scheme of things. If there are any thoughts on the future, the last person you think of is your significant other!

12. Your happy fantasies. You fantasize about your life without your partner. In your fantasy, you are either dating someone else or just being single and hopping from one partner to another. And those dreams actually make you drool!

13. Daily lives. You do not tell your partner about your daily events. And you don’t ask your partner about their day. And frankly, you don’t care!

14. Your partner annoys you easily. You try not to hate the things your partner does, but even the smallest things they do piss you off to no end!

15. No sex. It is not that you hate sex, but somehow you do not enjoy having sex with your partner anymore. You like sex, but having sex with your partner feels so dispassionate and boring.

16. Fluttering eyes. You have started flirting with someone else behind your partner’s back. And even if your partner feels threatened and tells you to avoid this person, you just don’t care about your partner’s insecurity. On the other hand, even if you realize that your partner is flirting with someone else, you do not feel jealous about it *a little disgusted perhaps!*.

17. Obsession with another person. If one partner is obsessed with someone outside the relationship— a potential love either interest or even a best friend— there is a good chance that availability and connection have broken down within the relationship. It is healthy not to have all the energy directed inward, but your partner must remain your primary focus. Obsession also indicates an unmet need, but it is likely one you cannot meet for your partner.

18. The worst side. You are really nice to everyone and you always put your best foot forward in public. But unintentionally, you realize that you show your worst side to your partner. And you do nothing to change yourself or portray yourself in better light in front of your lover.

19. No miss-you’s. You do not ever miss your partner when they are not around. In fact, just spending some away time from each other gives you that moment of bliss you have been longing for!

20. You crave for space and privacy. Your partner just seems to be around you all the time. And you hate it! If you are on Facebook and your partner peeps into your screen, you do not know why, but you just want to box their face. You love space and keep distance from your partner when you are trying to relax.

21. Everything your partner says is stupid. Your partner just looks like an idiot to you! When they talk or try to explain something, all their words vanish into a haze and all you hear is m-o-r-o-n!

22. Comparisons galore! You start comparing your partner to all the other guys or girls that you fancy, and you always feel like you’ve got the shorter end of the stick. All your friends seem to have better and more understanding partners than you. And that irritates you more! Seeing other couples being so sickeningly happy is especially painful, like a slap in the face. The two of you were once like that, right? You start to question whether you are as happy as you should be together. You find yourself avoiding other couples because it is just too painful. It hurts because you know it is already over.

23. Your partner saps your energy. You feel drained, annoyed and tired after spending time with your partner. You try to have a nice time with them, but the constant arguments and differences in opinions just tires you and makes you want to run away mid-conversation.

24. One or both of you put your children or others first. Therapist and author Andrew G. Marshall writes: "If you put your children first, day in and day out, you will exhaust your marriage." He posits that many parents fall into the trap of putting their children first and the outcome is resentful, alienated parents and demanding, insecure children.

25. Public humiliation. Has your partner ever shamed you in public, with outrageous behavior, by airing dirty laundry, or by accusing or severely mistreating you? An apology will always follow, but it was not an accident or the result of too much drinking, and despite the promises, it will be repeated. It is evidence of a fragile ego and deep-seated self-hatred. No amount of love you give can make someone love themselves, and without help, your partner will only make you more and more miserable. Or you ever did that to your partner?

26. Addictive behaviors. If your partner is a substance abuser, a compulsive spender or gambler, a sex addict, or even a true workaholic, your relationship will never take first priority. And unless it does, you won’t be happy. Not to mention that addictive behaviors, especially when enabled, can ruin lives.

27. You look out. You have not ever considered ending the relationship, but mentally you start searching for a backup! And you start fantasizing about this other person, or looking for ways to spend more time with this romantic backup. The romantic backup may be a good friend who gives you a shoulder to lean on, but before you know it, both of you may end up in an emotional affair whether you acknowledge it or not!

28. You do not care about fixing problems. Odds are, you have noticed the increasing number of problems in the relationship. When you disagree, you seldom resolve your differences. You fall into the trap of blaming each other and fail to compromise or apologize. As a result, you experience less warmth and closeness. When the love fades, the problems multiply. Your partner might want to try to fix things, but you are not interested. You could not care less what happens. In fact, you would be happier if things just fell apart. It would save you the trouble and unpleasant moments of breaking up forever.

29. Threats and emotional blackmail. These should never, never, never occur in a healthy relationship. They are often presented as being about love but they are always about control. Period. And control is a form of abuse. Period. Run from these as fast as you can.

30. Physical violence. Never acceptable under any circumstances. No excuses. No explanations. No justifications.

So you carefully read and assessed the questions with your partner and you realized that your relationship is in or approaching its “red zone”. What next? Try the following approaches, before you give up on your relashionship:

1. Stop criticizing your partner. According to Dr. John Gottman, talking about specific issues will reap better results than attacking your partner. For instance, a complaint is: "I'm upset because you didn't tell me about the phone call from your ex. We agreed to be open with each other." Versus a criticism: "You never tell me the truth. How can I trust you?"

2. Practice resolving conflicts as they arise. Do not put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. Take responsibility for your part in a dispute. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).

3. Boost up physical affection and sex. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Studies show that it is released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch as well. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones - lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

4. Nurture fondness and admiration for your partner. Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities - even as you grapple with their flaws - and express your positive feelings out loud several times each day. Search for common ground rather than insisting on getting your way when you have a disagreement. Listen to their point of view and avoid stonewalling - shutting yourself off from communication.

5. Family Therapy. Get your partner agree on getting help with the relationship evaluation and restoration if possible from certified psychotherapist in the Family Therapy framework, or individual therapy if that seems more appropriate at first.

Sources and Additional Information:

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