Clinical relevance: A group of Canadian researchers have
published new data that debunks the persistent belief in love languages.
- The
researchers argue that successful relationships require a comprehensive
understanding of each other’s needs and efforts to respond to those needs,
dispelling the notion of a straightforward fix for improving
relationships.
- Despite
the popularity of love languages, the research team found a lack of
empirical support for the book’s central assumptions, such as the
existence of five distinct love languages and the idea that couples are
more satisfied when partners speak each other’s preferred language.
- The
researchers propose a new metaphor for understanding relationships,
suggesting that love is not a language to be learned but should be seen as
a balanced diet, encompassing a full range of essential nutrients for
cultivating lasting love.
5 Love Languages
Since Baptist minister Gary Chapman published his treatise,
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate in
1992, it gradually accumulated a loyal following – among psychiatric
professionals and laypeople alike. In the decade following its release, the
book had remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for nearly 300 weeks.
The book’s central conceit is that there are five general
ways by which partners express – and want to receive – affection, which Chapman
dubs the love languages. They are:
- Words
of affirmation.
- Quality
time.
- Gifts.
- Acts
of service.
- Touch.
Now, in a paper published in January in the journal Current
Directions in Psychological Science, researchers outline the weaknesses of the
love language theory and offer a science-backed alternative.
To see whether love languages were scientifically sound, the
researchers evaluated existing research and questioned three major assumptions
Chapman offers in the latest edition of his book: that each person has a
primary love language, that there are five distinct languages and that
"speaking" the same language leads to a higher-quality relationship.
Does everyone have a primary love language?
The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality
time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch, and Chapman argues
that each person "speaks" in one primary language. This reflects the
main way they express love and most desire to be loved.
But as it turns out, people like to be loved in all of the
languages, and there isn't one preference. In studies that conducted surveys
with couples, results have shown that people tend to endorse all five
as meaningful ways of expressing love, and they vary in context. For example,
spending quality time might be a way to express love in everyday life, but
receiving a gift might be preferred on a special occasion, like Valentine's Day
or an anniversary.
Forcing people to pit the five love languages against one another
is counterintuitive.
Are there five love languages?
Chapman puts each of the love languages forward as distinct
and separate constructs, but studies and surveys suggest that the ways people
express and receive love are more integrated and complicated than that.
There is research suggesting that these five modes of
expressing love do, in fact, exist. However, the review argues that
Chapman's description limits expression to those five languages,
unintentionally undervaluing other efforts, like making new friendships for
their partner. Plus, research found that granting autonomy and
offering space to foster individual needs outside of the relationship are other
important needs in healthy relationships.
"The five things that Chapman picks, they all make
sense," said Gary Lewandowski, professor and former chair of the
Department of Psychology at Monmouth University, who was not involved in the
study. "But I think there are things that make even more sense — like
where each partner works to facilitate personal growth and each other."
Does speaking each other's love language lead to stronger
connections?
Researchers have tested this assumption by investigating
whether partners who have the same primary love language are more satisfied in
their relationships. Yet no study has found strong evidence to support the
claim. These studies surveyed couples on their satisfaction levels
with their partners as well as their love language preference, and it didn't
seem to play a significant role.
Researchers have also examined whether people report
greater relationship satisfaction when their partner expressed love to
them in their preferred love language. The study evaluated this by surveying
more than 980 individuals in couples on whether or not they felt happier when
their partner expressed love using their preferred language. It seemed
successful.
But although this idea garnered some support, the review argues
that the same kind of satisfaction could occur if the partner used any love
language, not just the preferred one. In fact, research recently presented
at a 2023 conference found that "expressions of all love languages
were positively associated with relationship satisfaction regardless of a
person's preference, with very little evidence of matching effects," the
review noted.
An alternative to love languages
Despite the weaknesses of Chapman's theory, the study
co-author Gideon Park, a doctoral student in psychology at the University of
Toronto, expressed the opinion that the book has an upside: It raises awareness
around unmet relationship needs. However, the book's core assumptions should be
"approached with caution," he said.
For that reason, Park and colleagues propose a more
realistic framework for relationships: seeing love as a nutritionally balanced
diet. The metaphor suggests people need multiple essential nutrients to
maintain satisfying relationships — while you could survive for some time on
carbs alone, you also need protein, fat and vitamins to thrive. So rather than
fixating on one "love language," people can express and receive love
in a variety of ways that meet their and their partner's evolving needs.
Sources and Additional Information:
https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/study-refutes-concept-of-love-languages/
