One of the first working theories on what it takes to
make a successful marriage was developed by Edward Waring. He is a therapist,
focusing on marital intimacy. The theory, he has developed based on the study
research, is that marital intimacy improves quality of the couple’s
relationship and enhances the couple’s functionality as a family. And he
believes that the best way to increase interpersonal intimacy is through cognitive
self-disclosure.
Waring’s lists definition for intimacy, including
proposed eight different dimensions in his book, published in 1988.
1. The Conflict Resolution: how easily couples can
resolve differences of opinion.
2. Affection: defines the degree of emotional closeness
the couple expresses.
3. Cohesion: the feeling that both couples are committed
to the marriage.
4. Sexuality: how much sexual needs are communicated and
fulfilled in the marriage.
5. Identity: describes the couple’s level of
self-confidence and self-esteem.
6. Compatibility: the degree couples can work and play
together.
7. Autonomy: defines how couples become independent from
their families of origin and
their offspring.
8. Expressiveness: the degree that thoughts, beliefs,
attitudes, and feelings are shared
between the partners.
When partners in a couple are really intimate with each
other, they gain significantly in greater predictability in their relationship,
an emotional feeling of closeness, a cognitive feeling of understanding, and
their attitude changes to commitment.
Waring reports that, “intimacy is the dimension which
most determines satisfaction
with relationships which endure over time”. Waring has
discovered that improving the level and the depth of a couple’s cognitive
self-disclosure might be the single best way to increase the level of intimacy.
Cognitive self-disclosure involves revealing one’s needs,
ideas, attitudes, beliefs, and theories
regarding a relationship; it makes the partners known to
each other and develops self-awareness.
To be accurate, this does not include emotional
disclosure where couples reveal their feelings, which is an important factor of
the couple’s well-being, but is not part of the developed theory.
Waring uses cognitive self-disclosure as the main guiding
factor, because he found that when couples were experiencing problems in their
marriage, their feelings towards each other flip from positive and neutral to
overly negative. And when couples share their negative feelings, it commonly
causes to alienation between them, growing the emotional distance and
dissatisfaction from the relationship. Therefore,
the natural way to increase couple’s intimacy, which enhances emotional
satisfaction in one’s marriage and improves the family functionality as a team
is considered sharing the information through cognitive self-disclosure.
The scientific study has been arranged to test this
theory. 24 couples were involved in this study and
they underwent the self-disclosure therapy to improve
intimacy for ten weeks. Afterwards,
researchers tested how well intimacy positively correlated
with marriage adjustment and confirmed the proposed theory has been validated
by the outcomes.
Based on the theoretical research, Waring developed the
Waring Intimacy Questionnaire (WIQ) is a 90-item self-report instrument for assessing
the quality and quantity of marital intimacy.
Factors in
Developing and Maintaining Intimacy
1. Differences in early socialization affect intimacy in marriage.
People feel intimate when what is important to one’s self is engaged. For
husbands, doing something with the wife gives them a feeling of closeness,
whereas for wives, intimacy means talking about their experiences, their
feelings and particularly about their marriage. This difference is noticeable
in pre-adolescence. Girls form close friends with the same sex and talk about
their feelings and share their “secrets,” whereas boys feel affirmed by
engaging in activities with the same sex.
Often in courtship men seem to be more willing to talk in
ways that build women’s sense of intimacy but after the wedding spend less time
and are less willing to talk to their spouse. The degree to which both husbands
and wives are able to disclose their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes are
major factors in developing closeness.
2. Establishing satisfactory boundaries in marriage
allows intimacy to develop. A wife who is dissatisfied with her marriage may
become over-involved with her daughter when she feels her husband does not meet
her needs. The husband may become over-involved in work or sports activities.
As a result, the daughter, having learned that intimacy means closeness to a
child and distance from the spouse, may repeat the same pattern in her
marriage. A different example is of the spouse who has not fully left home. The
emotional attachment or inability to be an “adult” in the family of origin
precludes the couple from focusing on their relationship. They avoid intimacy
by pouring their energy into solving problems with their family. To “leave and
to cleave” and yet continue to have a healthy relationship with the family or
origin is a challenge and task every individual must undertake.
3. A person’s level of self-confidence and self-esteem
plays an important role in determining satisfactory intimacy. An individual with
lower self-esteem is more dependent on others, and may soar with praise or be
shattered with criticism. The expectations of a spouse with a delicate self-image
may not be realistic. However, when those expectations or conditions for love
are not met, the marriage degenerates into irreconcilable differences and open
strife.
4. The degree to which a relationship is balanced with
commitment to the marriage, development of friendship, and sexual intimacy is a
further criterion for a healthy marriage. These three characteristics may vary
in intensity and balance over the life of a marriage, but the most satisfactory
times are those when a healthy balance is attained.
5. The spouses’ level of spiritual maturity often
determines the extent to which each partner will be willing to grow and be
taught. Individuals who are willing to grow spiritually are more prepared to
pray that God will show them how to change instead of seeing their spouse as
the source of their difficulties.
When intimacy in marriage is not achieved, often one
spouse will actively pursue the other to meet expectations, while the other
spouse will withdraw. Unmet expectations often lead to hurt and anger and
eventually to bitterness. Spouses may finally reach an “island of
invulnerability” and wrap themselves in a shell determined not to be hurt
anymore. A separation may take place or the two resign themselves to live out
the marriage unhappily.
Good pre-marital counseling and early interventions,
particularly in the first year of marriage, are important. Patterns for
marriage are most often established in the early phase and at this stage the
relationship is most amenable to change.
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