Understanding Love, Commitment, and Relationships Through Social Exchange Theory

 

Relationships are at the heart of human experience—romantic, familial, professional, or platonic. But what drives us to stay in a relationship? Why do some people invest deeply in connections while others walk away at the first sign of trouble? One powerful psychological framework that helps explain this is Social Exchange Theory (SET), developed by John Thibaut and Harold Kelley in the late 1950s.

 

What Is Social Exchange Theory?

 

Social Exchange Theory (SET) is a foundational concept in social psychology that proposes human relationships are governed by the same principles as economic transactions. Simply put, people make decisions in relationships based on costs, rewards, and perceived alternatives.

According to Thibaut and Kelley, individuals engage in relationships when the rewards outweigh the costs. The theory emphasizes rational decision-making: people assess the value of their relationships by evaluating:

• Rewards: Emotional support, companionship, intimacy, shared experiences, security.
• Costs: Time, effort, emotional stress, sacrifice, conflict, loss of autonomy.
• Comparison Level (CL): What individuals believe they deserve in a relationship based on past experiences and societal expectations.
• Comparison Level for Alternatives (CLalt): Whether another relationship (or being alone) would offer better outcomes.

If a relationship consistently provides rewards that meet or exceed one’s CL and there are no better alternatives (CLalt), the person is likely to remain committed.

 

Love in Social Exchange Theory Framework

 

1. Love as a Reward, Not a Primary Driver

SET does not assume people stay together because of love alone.

Love functions as:

• An emotional reward (affection, warmth, belonging)
• A multiplier that increases the perceived value of other rewards
• A buffer that reduces the felt impact of costs

So in SET terms:

Love increases satisfaction, not commitment by itself.

 

2. Love Changes How Costs Are Perceived

When love is high:

• Sacrifices feel less costly
• Effort feels meaningful
• Inequity is tolerated longer

When love declines:

• The same behaviors feel burdensome
• Small costs loom large

Thus, love alters subjective accounting, even though the accounting still exists.

 

3. Love Raises the Comparison Level (CL)

Comparison Level (CL) = what you believe you deserve.

Love can:

• Raise expectations (“Because we love each other, this should feel good”)
• Or temporarily lower expectations (“I’ll accept this because I love them”)

This explains why:

• Loving people can still feel deeply dissatisfied
• Betrayal hurts more when love is stronger

 

4. Love Is Not Enough Without CLalt

Comparison Level for Alternatives (CLalt) matters more for staying.

A person may:

• Love their partner
• Be unhappy
• Still leave if attractive alternatives exist

Or:

• Love their partner
• Be unhappy
• Stay because alternatives feel worse

SET explains why love ≠ staying.

 

5. Love Becomes an Investment Over Time

As love deepens, it transforms into:

• Shared identity
• Emotional history
• Mutual dependence

At this point, SET merges with the Investment Model:

Love increases the cost of leaving rather than eliminating calculation.

 

6. What SET Cannot Explain About Love

SET is intentionally limited.

It struggles with:

• Self-sacrifice without expectation of return
• Attachment-driven endurance of suffering
• Moral or spiritual commitment
• Trauma bonds

These are better explained by:

• Attachment theory
• Neurobiology
• Moral frameworks

 

7. Bottom Line

In Social Exchange Theory:

• Love is real, but not sacred
• Emotional experience is filtered through perceived rewards and costs
• People do not stop evaluating when they love—they evaluate differently

 

Strengths of Social Exchange Theory

 

1. Provides a Rational Framework for Emotional Behavior
   SET helps decode emotionally charged decisions using a structured, logical model. It explains why people stay in seemingly unhealthy relationships (e.g., due to fear of worse alternatives) or leave satisfying ones (e.g., when emotional costs become too high).
2. Empirical Support
   Numerous studies support SET across various contexts—romantic relationships, friendships, workplace dynamics. Research shows that perceptions of fairness and equity are strong predictors of relationship satisfaction.
3. Offers Predictive Power
   The model is useful for anticipating behavior. For example, if a partner feels undervalued (rewards < costs), they may disengage or seek alternatives.
4. Universality
   SET applies cross-culturally and to all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones—making it a versatile tool in psychology.

 

Limitations and Criticisms

 

While insightful, SET is not without its critiques:

1. Overemphasis on Rationality
   Human emotions aren't always rational. Love, attachment, and loyalty can persist even when costs outweigh rewards—such as in long-term caregiving or post-traumatic bonds.
2. Ignores Altruism and Emotional Commitment
   The theory struggles to explain selfless acts or deep emotional bonds that don’t appear "profitable." Many people stay in relationships out of duty, love, or moral conviction—not just calculations.
3. Downplays Cultural and Contextual Factors
   In collectivist cultures, relationships may be maintained for family harmony or social stability, not just personal gain. SET tends to reflect individualistic, Western perspectives.
4. Short-Term Focus
   It’s better at explaining immediate decisions than long-term commitment. People often endure short-term costs (e.g., during a partner’s illness) for long-term relational fulfillment.

 

Applying Social Exchange Theory in Therapy

 

Despite its limitations, SET is a valuable tool in therapeutic settings—particularly in couples counseling and individual relationship coaching.

1. Identifying Relationship Imbalances

Therapists can guide clients to map out the rewards and costs in their relationships. For instance:

• What do you gain emotionally from this partnership?
• What do you sacrifice regularly?
• Are your efforts reciprocated?

This exercise builds self-awareness and helps identify sources of dissatisfaction.

2. Addressing Equity and Fairness

SET aligns closely with Equity Theory, an offshoot that emphasizes fairness. Therapists use it to address imbalances—like one partner doing most of the emotional labor—by encouraging honest dialogue and renegotiation of relational roles.

3. Exploring "Comparison Levels"

Therapists help clients critically examine their expectations (CL):

• Are your expectations realistic?
• Are you comparing your relationship to an idealized fantasy?
• Have past relationships shaped unfair standards?

Adjusting comparison levels can increase relationship satisfaction without changing the relationship itself.

4. Evaluating Alternatives (CLalt)

Clients may stay in unsatisfying relationships due to fear of being alone or financial dependence. Therapists can support them in:

• Building confidence to seek healthier alternatives.
• Assessing whether alternatives are genuinely better or just different.

This is especially useful in cases of low self-worth or codependency.

 

Practical Implications in Daily Life

 

You don’t need a therapist to apply SET principles. Here’s how you can use them for healthier, more fulfilling relationships:

1. Conduct a Relationship Audit

Regularly reflect on your key relationships:

• What do I gain from this connection?
• What am I giving up?
• Does the balance feel fair?

If costs are consistently high, it’s time to talk or reevaluate.

2. Communicate Needs and Expectations

Set clear expectations. Ask:

• “What do you need from me?”
• “What can I expect in return?”

Open communication ensures both parties feel valued and understood.

3. Invest in Rewards

Intentionally increase rewards by practicing:

• Active listening
• Expressions of appreciation
• Quality time
• Thoughtful gestures

Small deposits build emotional equity over time.

4. Reassess When Necessary

Life changes—careers, health, parenting roles. Re-evaluate your relationships periodically. What once felt balanced may now need adjustment.

5. Avoid Keeping Score

While SET uses a transactional model, healthy relationships aren’t about rigid accounting. Focus on mutual care and responsiveness, not constant tallying.

 

Final Thoughts

 

Social Exchange Theory may not capture the full poetry of love and connection, but it offers a pragmatic lens to understand the mechanics of relationships. By recognizing the interplay of rewards, costs, and alternatives, we become more mindful participants in our relationships—capable of nurturing them, repairing them, or letting them go when necessary.

As Thibaut and Kelley taught us: relationships are dynamic negotiations, not static states. They require effort, reflection, and, above all, mutual investment.

So the next time you feel unappreciated—or tempted to walk away—pause. Ask yourself: what’s the cost of staying? The reward of leaving? And most importantly: what kind of relationship do I truly deserve?