Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Critiquing the 5 love languages theory

 

Clinical relevance: A group of Canadian researchers have published new data that debunks the persistent belief in love languages.

  • The researchers argue that successful relationships require a comprehensive understanding of each other’s needs and efforts to respond to those needs, dispelling the notion of a straightforward fix for improving relationships.
  • Despite the popularity of love languages, the research team found a lack of empirical support for the book’s central assumptions, such as the existence of five distinct love languages and the idea that couples are more satisfied when partners speak each other’s preferred language.
  • The researchers propose a new metaphor for understanding relationships, suggesting that love is not a language to be learned but should be seen as a balanced diet, encompassing a full range of essential nutrients for cultivating lasting love.

 

5 Love Languages

 

Since Baptist minister Gary Chapman published his treatise, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate in 1992, it gradually accumulated a loyal following – among psychiatric professionals and laypeople alike. In the decade following its release, the book had remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for nearly 300 weeks.

The book’s central conceit is that there are five general ways by which partners express – and want to receive – affection, which Chapman dubs the love languages. They are: 

  • Words of affirmation.
  • Quality time.
  • Gifts.
  • Acts of service.
  • Touch.

 

Now, in a paper published in January in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science, researchers outline the weaknesses of the love language theory and offer a science-backed alternative.

 

To see whether love languages were scientifically sound, the researchers evaluated existing research and questioned three major assumptions Chapman offers in the latest edition of his book: that each person has a primary love language, that there are five distinct languages and that "speaking" the same language leads to a higher-quality relationship.


 

Does everyone have a primary love language?

The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch, and Chapman argues that each person "speaks" in one primary language. This reflects the main way they express love and most desire to be loved.

 

But as it turns out, people like to be loved in all of the languages, and there isn't one preference. In studies that conducted surveys with couples, results have shown that people tend to endorse all five as meaningful ways of expressing love, and they vary in context. For example, spending quality time might be a way to express love in everyday life, but receiving a gift might be preferred on a special occasion, like Valentine's Day or an anniversary.

 

Forcing people to pit the five love languages against one another is counterintuitive.

 

Are there five love languages?

 

Chapman puts each of the love languages forward as distinct and separate constructs, but studies and surveys suggest that the ways people express and receive love are more integrated and complicated than that.

 

There is research suggesting that these five modes of expressing love do, in fact, exist. However, the review argues that Chapman's description limits expression to those five languages, unintentionally undervaluing other efforts, like making new friendships for their partner. Plus, research found that granting autonomy and offering space to foster individual needs outside of the relationship are other important needs in healthy relationships.

 

"The five things that Chapman picks, they all make sense," said Gary Lewandowski, professor and former chair of the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University, who was not involved in the study. "But I think there are things that make even more sense — like where each partner works to facilitate personal growth and each other."

 

Does speaking each other's love language lead to stronger connections?

Researchers have tested this assumption by investigating whether partners who have the same primary love language are more satisfied in their relationships. Yet no study has found strong evidence to support the claim. These studies surveyed couples on their satisfaction levels with their partners as well as their love language preference, and it didn't seem to play a significant role.

 

Researchers have also examined whether people report greater relationship satisfaction when their partner expressed love to them in their preferred love language. The study evaluated this by surveying more than 980 individuals in couples on whether or not they felt happier when their partner expressed love using their preferred language. It seemed successful.

 

But although this idea garnered some support, the review argues that the same kind of satisfaction could occur if the partner used any love language, not just the preferred one. In fact, research recently presented at a 2023 conference found that "expressions of all love languages were positively associated with relationship satisfaction regardless of a person's preference, with very little evidence of matching effects," the review noted.

 


An alternative to love languages

 

Despite the weaknesses of Chapman's theory, the study co-author Gideon Park, a doctoral student in psychology at the University of Toronto, expressed the opinion that the book has an upside: It raises awareness around unmet relationship needs. However, the book's core assumptions should be "approached with caution," he said.

 

For that reason, Park and colleagues propose a more realistic framework for relationships: seeing love as a nutritionally balanced diet. The metaphor suggests people need multiple essential nutrients to maintain satisfying relationships — while you could survive for some time on carbs alone, you also need protein, fat and vitamins to thrive. So rather than fixating on one "love language," people can express and receive love in a variety of ways that meet their and their partner's evolving needs.

 

Sources and Additional Information:

https://www.psychiatrist.com/news/study-refutes-concept-of-love-languages/

https://www.livescience.com/health/relationships/you-cannot-put-people-into-arbitrary-boxes-psychologists-critique-the-5-love-languages

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09637214231217663

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