If you ever experienced long-term romantic
relationship, you may noticed that there are particular phases you are living
through. You may rightfully guess that existence and character of such stages
is not a factor of influence for your relationship only. There are indeed
different stages of romantic relationship most couples go through to particular
extent.
Since you have personal experience, try to guess first
which stages you remember in your relationship from moment you met to the
present. Then, compare your observation with the scheme outlined below.
Understanding the standard framework will help you manage properly and preserve
healthy relationship with your partner over time.
So, no matter how the love starts, or what is your kind
of love – nearly all couples go through the stages of love in their relationship
as mentioned in this post. Understanding the different phases of love helps
couples to move successfully into a better long-term relationship.
It is clear that the first excitement romance, bringing people
together in the first place, is very different from the love which hopefully develop
ten or thirty years later. Or the excitement may just eventually disappear,
leaving emptiness and boredom in the family relations.
“Love is the
irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” ~ Robert Frost.
Stages of Love
Relationship
1. Romance and
infatuation stage
The first romantic stage in interpersonal relationship is
the most memorable and colorful. This is the first stage in every love
relationship, and the excitement and emotional picks are usually associated
with it.
This is the love, that Hollywood loves to promote as the
only kind of love. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. It is very
spontaneous and alive. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people
are that we are one; we are the same. You are perfect. I can give and receive
love with little or no effort required. There is a tremendous emphasis on
maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. There is a belief and
expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires.
There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of
romance come easily and often. The partners think about each other constantly,
and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together.
Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and
infatuation. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on
forever, that 'we will never disagree on anything’ and that somehow fate or
forces larger than themselves have brought them together.
Most people think they have found their soul mate when
they are in this stage. However, behind the curtains it is actually the
chemistry of love, that is taking place. All of this makes you feel euphoric,
triggers positive moods, and boosts your energy levels. There is change in the
personalities, sex drive, and you might even enter a state of fearlessness. With
the chemical changes in the brain, sometimes you might even overlook major
flaws in your partner, and rush into marriage before actually crossing this
phase.
I know this romantic feeling feels great while it lasts,
but it does not last forever even if you want it to. Captivation is the term
that defines this phase, and is called by lovers as the sweetest among all
stages of love relationship in life.
This stage generally lasts from six months to two years.
2. Disturbance
stage
After some time of being together with each other, when
the ‘love chemicals’ wear off, couples usually return to their normal selves with
normal moods and sex drive. Everything starts getting back to normal, and
instead of focusing exclusively on each other, couples become more involved
with their daily duties and work.
Those who are not aware of this normal stage of love in a
relationship might think they have fallen out of love. Sometimes they might
even get seriousely upset by their partner’s lack of attention on them. Small
bickering and fights are a normal part of this stage of love. But, sometimes
confrontation is healthy as it helps you understand things better.
When you learn to confront and resolve issues and
conflicts, it helps your relationship mature. If you are in this stage, you might
wonder why your sex drive does not match your partners, or why theirs lessened,
or why you annoy or anger your partner more now. You might make assumptions and
opinion about your partner, and your expectations from each other tend to
increase.
In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or
something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something
precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and
wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create
that. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal
with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate
being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
When these assumptions and opinions differ in real life,
it might leave you feeling ecstatic or depressed. What you need to do is hold
on! The best is yet to come – even if you see a drop in your love relationship.
Keep making the efforts and hope for the best.
Confrontation is the keyword that best defines this
phase, because among all the stages of love relationship, this phase is really
the testing period for a couple.
3. Changing stage
You might be having numerous expectations from your
partner. Sometimes you might even try to mold them to be like the perfect partner
you want to see them as. It is like a power struggle going on, and sometimes
relationships end if one side dominates the other. Instead of seeing the
similarities as you did in the romance stage, you focus on the differences and
flaws of your partner.
Some couples might even break up and move on at this
stage. This happens especially with those who date often, or do not fully
commit, and look for love but find disappointment instead. Doubts arise as to
whether the other person really loves you. There are consistent feelings of
ambivalence and anger. Blaming and accusing becomes the most common form of
interaction. Each partner is afraid of giving in, and wants the other to
change. This is where deep resentments begin to form, which if left unchecked,
become the cancer that eventually eats away at all the love and tenderness that
has come before. Sarcasm and hostility enter into daily conversations.
This does not have to be the end of the relationship. The
tasks for the couple here are to develop problem-solving, conflict resolution
and negotiating skills. The conflicts will clearly not go away on their own.
Each person much learn to listen respectfully to their partner's position, even
if they don't agree with it. They must learn to support their partner's own
growth, even if they feel it compromises their own. They may see the origins of
the patterns of their conflicts (and their dysfunctional ways of resolving
them) in their family of origin.
On the other hand, some couples survive through the pain
and dissatisfaction of a relationship. They learn that a good relationship
involves compromise and sacrifice, and you can improve your relationship with
kindness.
It is noticed, that relationships are often at their
all-time low after a decade or 10 years. If you cross this stage, you might as
well carry on for the rest of your life. The best word to describe this stage
is confusion, and it is probably the most critical of all stages of love
relationship.
4. Understanding
stage
Those of you who have crossed all the above stages of
love in your relationship and reached so far – it means you have begun to understand
your partners better now. The understanding stage is a lot about give and take,
and each partner tries to change the other to suit his or her needs.
Couples in this stage remain blissful and happy with each
other, and they keep making efforts to work on their relationships to make
things work. In this stage, both partners recognize and accept each other for
who and what they are. They need to avoid misunderstanding and understand each
other better than before.
In this stage, there is also a deeper sense of taking
responsibility for one's part in conflict and in lack of satisfaction. Each
person may recognize the link between what they learned as children in their
families of origin and how they approach intimate relationships. They own their
distortions and projections onto their partners. They begin to see their
partner as they see themselves, as a somewhat flawed yet decent person who is
making a sincere effort to love and be close and still take care of their own
needs.
There is a deeper acceptance in this stage that any
relationship cannot and will not save you in any sense. You still have your own
individual needs and issues and they does not go away just because you are in a
relationship. However, the part of your life that can be nurtured and shared in
a loving, accepting relationship is also real and in this stage, each person
looks to the other for that connection. The war is over, the conflicts are
accepted, and there is a sincere desire to learn how to work through the issues
to a satisfying resolution.
The stages of love in a relationship are not easy, but if
you know how to move from one stage to another, it is not very tough either. To
get past this stage, accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You need to
focus on the positives, let go of the negatives, and explore each other’s goals
and interest. Compromise best describes this stage, which sets the foundation
for stability and defines an upward swing in the love relationship.
5. Discovery stage
Once a couple passes the above stages of love
relationship, all the unrealistic expectations tend to fade away. Both sides
start to discover more of each other, and make efforts knowing how they both
can fit and work things together.
Couples start defining and clarifying their roles,
commitment, and compatibility towards each other. They need to explore their
relationship needs and their partners too. They need to decide on questions
like how much time do they like to spend together or remain apart, how does
each side like to express love, or receive it etc.
Once couples are able to communicate their needs
effectively to one another, they can avoid many other things that can make a
relationship bitter. They need to avoid unhealthy behaviors like avoidance,
withdrawals, criticism, and defensiveness. Instead, focus on acceptance,
compassion, forgiveness, and patience. Consolidation is the term for this phase
that really sets the stage for real happiness in a love relationship.
6. Connection stage
Next comes the phase of love in a relationship in which
the couples go deeper into trust, commitment, and connect with each other. This
is the stage when they experience intimacy. They are even more supportive of
each other, and share each other’s experiences as well.
Problems, or ups and downs, are part and parcel of every
relationship. However, the trust both partners will have and the loyalty
towards each other will carry them through these small problems. In this stage,
you stop thinking about your own individual selves, and shift the focus to what
works best for the relationship.
It is actually a stage of attachment when you feel
connected, are one-to-one, and love each other a great deal. There is more of
team spirit and oneness that further strengthens the relationship. This perhaps
is the stage when you feel like a perfect match or made for each other. Some of
you might even decide to get married once you have come this far.
Companionship is the term that defines this phase, as it
is one of the best stages of love relationship.
7. Doubting stage
Well, at the certain point, most of you come across this
stage when doubt starts to creep in. Usually, this stage comes after many years
of being together with each other in a relationship. You might start thinking
about your exes, your past relationships, or start comparing your present
partner with another.
In this stage, everything is related to your
relationship. If you are unhappy and hurt in your relationship – you tend to
blame it on your partner for putting you through such trying times. You might
even start comparing your relationship with other couples, and other
relationships. Remember, you can cross this stage of love in your relationship
if you are not dull and boring.
The main word associated with this stage is comparison, and
this is one of the most critical of all stages of love relationship in your
life.
8. Sexual stage
You would be surprise that sexual stage comes so late in
the relationship timeline, but that is so. In this stage, your sex life plays a
major role. Either the sex drives of both partners may change or one of you
might get disinterested or over interested in sex. One of you may give up on
sex, or keep looking for ways to make it more exciting. However, if there is a
difference in sexual interests, one of you might even end up having an affair.
The answer lies to find creative ways to make your sex
life more exciting, which might make your relationship better and bond both of
you better. Coupling is the apt term to describe this stage of love
relationship. Senior couple in pure love relationship
9. Trust stage
This is the ultimate stage when both partners love and
trust each other totally. However, sometimes this kind of complete trust can
also make you take each other for granted – so be careful there.
From all the above stages of love in a relationship, it
is in this stage that you know the direction of your relationship. You are
happy with each other, and know what to expect from each other too. Even though
there is total bliss and understanding in this stage, don’t stop appreciating
and take your partner lightly. That is because love needs to be worked up or
nurtured all the time.
If you don’t keep your love fresh and alive, and fail to
express your love to your lover more often, it can be rekindled by someone
else.
This phase can be described as completeness, as among all
the stage of love relationship this is the one where you feel complete.
10. Spiritual stage
This is among the toughest stages of love relationship to
achieve for most people, though not impossible. It is more a willingness to
help your partner fulfill his/her potential, without any selfish motive.
There is ongoing personal and spiritual growth for both
partners. Unconditional love is perhaps achieved in this stage, when you become
the best version of yourself.
Conjugation or unification best defines this stage of
love relationship.
“The meeting of two
personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any
reaction, both are transformed.” ~ C.G. Jung
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