When you first met, you thought the
two of you had been touched by the same star. Then something happened. Love
began to crumble. You made excuses. There was tension when you were together.
But you reasoned that it was still
better than being lonely, because fear of the monster called “Alone” too often
leads people to stay in relationships long after a connection has ended,
emotionally and physically.
The United States Census Bureau
reported in 2011 that its latest data (compiled in 2009) indicated that 83
percent of all currently married couples had made it to their fifth
anniversary, and about 55 percent had stayed married at least 15 years.
However, if you look closely at the data, a large share of the couples had in
fact are separated, though not divorced—but these did not figure into the
overall statistics. And there was no tally of the "un-divorced"—those
no longer wishing to stay married but who, for various (often financial)
reasons remain legally together.
Well, there are cases, when people
well aware that their relationship is over, but choose to stay together for
various reasons. But that not be true for you. You still think you are in, but
there is a creepy internal voice, whispering in that it is over, and time to
move on.
You need to understand that sometimes
trying to ignore and hide from yourself and your partner, that there is no
future, is a bad way to react on such situation. If there no hope, the harmonious,
or at least normal, family relationship can be achieved, and what is expected ahead
is just slow degrading dysfunctional family suffering, may be the best way is
official separation and divorce. Sounds scary? Yes, but there is a chance to
start a new life with another partner which may prove to be significantly more
joyful and rewarding.
But how do you know your
relationship, your love, your heavenly connection to your spouse or partner is
over?
Read these xx signs and ask yourself
if you experience any of them. Check with your partner and ask him or her to
check as well. If either of you experience more than just a few of these
telltale signs in your rocky romance, your dull or terrible family life,
perhaps it is time to have that we-need-to-talk conversation!
1.
You do not respect your partner anymore. You may even think your partner is a good person, but
deep within, you don’t admire them or think their words are worth your time. If
you do not think your partner is worth your admiration, in all probability, you
may be looking down at your partner or perhaps even feel embarrassed by them!
2.
You say, “I love you” rarely to never. Trying to force the words does not really work. The less
you feel them, the less you say them. You might find yourself smiling and
changing the subject when he says he loves you. It is probably one of the more
noticeable signs, especially for the other person. Even if you do say it often,
pay attention to how you feel when you say it. If it does not feel right, then you
are falling out of love. Also, hearing “I love you” makes you uncomfortable.
You probably feel a little guilty or uncomfortable when he tells you he loves
you. Why? You do not really feel the same. The worse you feel when he says it,
the more obvious it is the love you once felt is fading away.
3.
Spending time together is boring. Both of you
just do not have anything to talk about anymore. Silence in conversations is a
sign of comfort, but in your case, it makes you feel awkward or want to yawn!
There are no little talks anymore, and your partner’s company just bores you to
death.
4.
Resentment. Are you suffering silently, taking
your lumps, gritting your teeth, and never directly confronting your partner
over behaviors that make you angry? You may think you are saving the
relationship by not speaking up, but you are actually flooding yourself with
resentment that will inevitably overflow. Do not fool yourself into believing
your reservoir is unlimited. The tipping point will come, and your resentment
will influence your own behavior, in ways you may not even be aware of, leading
you to get back at your partner and drive the death stake into the
relationship. When resentment moves in, communication has moved out, and there
is little hope for reconciliation.
5.
You do not care. You do not
really care about your partner, or what they are doing with their life. You are
selfish and you are only concerned with your own life, your own achievements
and your own happiness. This may make you feel uneasy to accept, but you know it
is the truth. Well, if you have a join financial account, you may still be
really anxious to have your partner steady job and steady income, as it is your
matter of concern, but is not about your partner anymore.
6.
Your eyes wander. You think
you love your significant other, but you cannot stop your eyes from looking all
around you all the time. You start finding another person or two a lot more
interesting and exciting. Sometimes, you may imagine another person near in
life and bed, or you do not get so far. In any case, that is a lot more common
than you think. After all, if you do not find your partner attractive anymore,
can you help yourself from falling for someone else?
7.
Your partner is full of flaws. You cannot
help but constantly pick flaws in your husband or wife. All the time! Every
time you see them, or every time they do something, they just seem to be
riddled with flaws and imperfections.
8.
Trust is a thing of the past. As you fall
out of love, you might stop trusting your partner. After all, you feel like you
are lying to him or her by staying. If you no longer trust, the love is dying
too. It is time to find someone you do trust.
9.
You are not emotionally connected anymore. You are indifferent to your partner’s feelings and
thoughts. You may pretend to care about your boyfriend or girlfriend, but deep
inside, you know you do not really give a damn about what your partner is
feeling or what they are up to. You love your partner, but you do not want to
involve yourself so deep that you have to play a part in making them feel
better about themselves.
10.
Staying in touch is a chore. You hate
having to constantly call or text your partner to keep them updated about your
life when you are not around them. Even if it is just calling each other a
couple of times a day, it just annoys you because you feel like you have to
report to someone about where you are and what you are doing.
11.
You cannot see a future together anymore. There are no talks about the future between the both of
you. And your partner no longer plays a pivotal role in your big scheme of
things. If there are any thoughts on the future, the last person you think of
is your significant other!
12.
Your happy fantasies. You
fantasize about your life without your partner. In your fantasy, you are either
dating someone else or just being single and hopping from one partner to
another. And those dreams actually make you drool!
13.
Daily lives. You do not tell your partner about
your daily events. And you don’t ask your partner about their day. And frankly,
you don’t care!
14.
Your partner annoys you easily. You try not
to hate the things your partner does, but even the smallest things they do piss
you off to no end!
15.
No sex. It is not that you hate sex, but
somehow you do not enjoy having sex with your partner anymore. You like sex,
but having sex with your partner feels so dispassionate and boring.
16.
Fluttering eyes. You have
started flirting with someone else behind your partner’s back. And even if your
partner feels threatened and tells you to avoid this person, you just don’t
care about your partner’s insecurity. On the other hand, even if you realize
that your partner is flirting with someone else, you do not feel jealous about
it *a little disgusted perhaps!*.
17.
Obsession with another person. If one
partner is obsessed with someone outside the relationship— a potential love
either interest or even a best friend— there is a good chance that availability
and connection have broken down within the relationship. It is healthy not to
have all the energy directed inward, but your partner must remain your primary
focus. Obsession also indicates an unmet need, but it is likely one you cannot
meet for your partner.
18.
The worst side. You are
really nice to everyone and you always put your best foot forward in public.
But unintentionally, you realize that you show your worst side to your partner.
And you do nothing to change yourself or portray yourself in better light in
front of your lover.
19.
No miss-you’s. You do not
ever miss your partner when they are not around. In fact, just spending some
away time from each other gives you that moment of bliss you have been longing
for!
20.
You crave for space and privacy. Your partner
just seems to be around you all the time. And you hate it! If you are on
Facebook and your partner peeps into your screen, you do not know why, but you
just want to box their face. You love space and keep distance from your partner
when you are trying to relax.
21.
Everything your partner says is stupid. Your partner just looks like an idiot to you! When they
talk or try to explain something, all their words vanish into a haze and all
you hear is m-o-r-o-n!
22.
Comparisons galore! You start
comparing your partner to all the other guys or girls that you fancy, and you
always feel like you’ve got the shorter end of the stick. All your friends seem
to have better and more understanding partners than you. And that irritates you
more! Seeing other couples being so sickeningly happy is especially painful, like
a slap in the face. The two of you were once like that, right? You start to
question whether you are as happy as you should be together. You find yourself
avoiding other couples because it is just too painful. It hurts because you
know it is already over.
23.
Your partner saps your energy. You feel
drained, annoyed and tired after spending time with your partner. You try to
have a nice time with them, but the constant arguments and differences in
opinions just tires you and makes you want to run away mid-conversation.
24.
One or both of you put your children or others first. Therapist and author Andrew G. Marshall writes: "If
you put your children first, day in and day out, you will exhaust your
marriage." He posits that many parents fall into the trap of putting their
children first and the outcome is resentful, alienated parents and demanding,
insecure children.
25.
Public humiliation. Has your
partner ever shamed you in public, with outrageous behavior, by airing dirty
laundry, or by accusing or severely mistreating you? An apology will always
follow, but it was not an accident or the result of too much drinking, and
despite the promises, it will be repeated. It is evidence of a fragile ego and
deep-seated self-hatred. No amount of love you give can make someone love
themselves, and without help, your partner will only make you more and more
miserable. Or you ever did that to your partner?
26.
Addictive behaviors. If your partner
is a substance abuser, a compulsive spender or gambler, a sex addict, or even a
true workaholic, your relationship will never take first priority. And unless
it does, you won’t be happy. Not to mention that addictive behaviors,
especially when enabled, can ruin lives.
27.
You look out. You have not ever
considered ending the relationship, but mentally you start searching for a
backup! And you start fantasizing about this other person, or looking for ways
to spend more time with this romantic backup. The romantic backup may be a good
friend who gives you a shoulder to lean on, but before you know it, both of you
may end up in an emotional affair whether you acknowledge it or not!
28.
You do not care about fixing problems. Odds are, you have noticed the increasing number of
problems in the relationship. When you disagree, you seldom resolve your
differences. You fall into the trap of blaming each other and fail to
compromise or apologize. As a result, you experience less warmth and closeness.
When the love fades, the problems multiply. Your partner might want to try to
fix things, but you are not interested. You could not care less what happens.
In fact, you would be happier if things just fell apart. It would save you the
trouble and unpleasant moments of breaking up forever.
29.
Threats and emotional blackmail. These should
never, never, never occur in a healthy relationship. They are often presented
as being about love but they are always about control. Period. And control is a
form of abuse. Period. Run from these as fast as you can.
30.
Physical violence. Never
acceptable under any circumstances. No excuses. No explanations. No
justifications.
So you carefully read and assessed
the questions with your partner and you realized that your relationship is in
or approaching its “red zone”. What next? Try the following approaches, before
you give up on your relashionship:
1.
Stop criticizing your partner. According to
Dr. John Gottman, talking about specific issues will reap better results than
attacking your partner. For instance, a complaint is: "I'm upset because
you didn't tell me about the phone call from your ex. We agreed to be open with
each other." Versus a criticism: "You never tell me the truth. How
can I trust you?"
2.
Practice resolving conflicts as they arise. Do not put aside resentments that can destroy your
relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to
avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. Take responsibility
for your part in a dispute. Avoid defensiveness and showing contempt for your
partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).
3.
Boost up physical affection and sex. According
to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding
hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Studies show that it
is released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch as well. Physical
affection also reduces stress hormones - lowering daily levels of the stress
hormone cortisol.
4.
Nurture fondness and admiration for your partner. Remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities -
even as you grapple with their flaws - and express your positive feelings out
loud several times each day. Search for common ground rather than insisting on
getting your way when you have a disagreement. Listen to their point of view
and avoid stonewalling - shutting yourself off from communication.
5.
Family Therapy. Get your
partner agree on getting help with the relationship evaluation and restoration
if possible from certified psychotherapist in the Family Therapy framework, or
individual therapy if that seems more appropriate at first.
Sources
and Additional Information: