It is as hard to pull two complimentary poled magnets apart
as it is to push two uncomplimentary poled magnets together. The same is true
for a healthy viable romantic relationship. Healthy relationships have a
natural sustainable physical magnetic connection, unhealthy ones don't. Girls,
being more feeling driven than men on average, are more prone to stay with guys
(they love) that do pretty horrible stuff to them and will be unmoved by pretty
much anything a guy they like less might try to do for them to win them over.
So, you can see how inefficient non-reciprocal love scenarios can be (for one
or both parties involved and consequently for society), and why it's a waste
for anyone to be in them (other than maybe as a what-not-to-do learning
experience if you are a learn-the-hard-way type).
The first mistake people make is not respecting/valuing
physical chemistry as much as they respect mental chemistry. Most people live
their lives more mentally than physically, and as a result they see the world
through their mental biases which distorts an accurate perception of reality,
the physical world. Mental chemistry matters as well, but it's not more
important than physical chemistry.
Insufficient sustainable physical chemistry will doom or
render any otherwise perfect relationship fundamentally unsatisfying.
Why would people
enter or stay in unsatisfying relationships?
Most people are afraid and/or incapable of being alone.
If you can't be alone, you are not even in a position to be
in a healthy relationship. People that can't be alone basically have never
successfully detached from their parents. They went directly from parental
attachment to romantic attachment. As a result, their romantic partners have to
meet quasi or full parental roles for them.
Often men and women are still childishly attached
emotionally and/or financially to their parents, sometimes their entire lives.
These extraneous ties weaken a person's ability to form healthy adult romantic
connections just as they weaken a person’s ability to function as an
independent adult. The role of parents is to raise/guide/provide for children.
As long as that continues and/or is desired by you in your real parents and/or
an actual partner, you remain childish.
It's understandable that people whose historical
relationship history involves more mental / platonic emotional connections
(parents, friends) would continue to err on the side of mental / platonic
emotional chemistry (to the detriment of physical chemistry). That's what they
know but romantic relationships are distinctly different than parent-child and
friend relationships.
If you've proven a capacity to be alone, are capable of
functioning (mentally and physically) independently from your parents (or
mate-parent hybrid substitutes), then it becomes a question of proper healthy
mate selection.
Healthy Magnets
A healthy male is like a positive poled magnet. Their most
distinguishing physical qualities are strength and endurance, which can be
practically measured as athletic ability. A physically weak or low endurance
male is a fundamentally broken magnet. They are guaranteed to suffer sexual
dysfunction to some degree and therefore will be unable to sustainably function
as a healthy male romantically.
The most distinguishing mental qualities of a healthy male
are autonomy and resourcefulness. A male that is still dependent on their
parents or romantic partner intellectually and/or financially is ultimately
still operating as a child. This generally has some effect on their physical
functioning as well.
A healthy female is like a negative poled magnet. Their most
distinguishing quality is attractiveness, which can be practically observed as
physical beauty. The link between optimal femininity and physical fitness is
not as absolute as with men (and optimal masculinity) as beyond a certain point
of fitness, a female will start to become more physically masculine. But
generally speaking most unattractive females are unattractive because of an
insufficient amount of exercise, not too much exercise.
The most distinguishing mental qualities of a healthy female
are intelligence and accommodation. In the modern world women have to be
capable of financial independence but it's not their most important attribute
romantically. A healthy male will always prefer an attractive female over a
less attractive female no matter how much career success the less attractive
one has. Only an unhealthy male who can't support himself (financially and/or
emotionally) will have any preference for a less attractive female with a
successful career and/or who is more proactive/aggressive than him.
Unhealthy Magnets
In brief, the unhealthy male fails to be physically
fit/proactive and intellectually/resource/financially independent.
The unhealthy female fails to be physically fit/attractive
and intellectually smart/accommodating.
Attempts to Control
Nature / Broken Magnets
Healthy women have a need to be loved. Healthy men have a
need to love. Restated, the ideal romantic orientation of a healthy female is
tied to the enjoyment of being loved. The ideal romantic orientation of a
healthy male is tied to the enjoyment of loving. If you are a female, how much
you love someone is far less material then whether they are oriented to be into
you. If you are male, how much you want a girl to love you is far less material
then whether you are oriented to actively love her. In any case, you need both
variables (interested proactive male and interested accommodating female).
If you live too much from your mind and don't accurately
observe reality you risk wasting time on an ill suited partner. If you are a
male and you invest any energy in a female, it should be met with equal
interest/attraction not repulsion. When you face repulsion (which may be
conscious or unconscious), be efficient and move on, respect their repulsion.
A male can squire some girls who exhibit a front of
disinterest but it is always a bad idea relative to finding a healthy female.
The Taming of the Shrew is an entertaining play by William Shakespeare, don't
let it be any of your romantic experiences. A girl that does not equally
reciprocate your interest doesn't like you or, maybe, does like you but is a
broken magnet, and therefore not worth your time. The only possible fix in the
latter case is her responsibility, not yours, so move on.
Some people have mutual physical chemistry but one party has
a mental aversion (the reasons of which could be endless) that makes things a
no go. Again, respect their repulsion. Mixed messages,
wavering/fluctuating/intermittent interest = broken magnet. Broken magnets
should be avoided. Invest your time in healthy women that are interested.
Invest your time in becoming a healthier more physically fit human being.
Invest your time in becoming more intellectually and resource/financially
independent. Don't waste time on broken magnets.
Similarly a female can pick up a male or possibly keep a
male involved with her by being the more proactive partner but she will never
be comfortable or secure pursuing that strategy. Ultimately she wants to be
loved but she is behaving in a way that makes that outcome impossible. Only a non
proactive male would tolerate/seek/want such a backwards scenario and a non
proactive male is never going to extend himself enough to make his partner feel
sufficiently loved (because he lacks that capability).
If you are a female and you like someone and you are not
sure they like you. They don't like you, or, they like you but they are a
broken magnet. Invest your time in healthy men that make it clear they like
you. Invest your time in being more physically fit. Invest your time in being
more intellectually attractive. Don't waste time on broken magnets. If you like
a guy and he says he likes you but you are not having sex as much as you want,
he doesn't like you that much or he's broken (because men have a higher sex
drive than women, on average). In either case, move on.
You can't expect a male who is incapable of financially
supporting himself and/or thinking/acting independently to assume the proactive
role in a romantic relationship to any sustainable degree. No matter how
pretty, smart, or charming they might be, they are a broken magnet and you will
never get what you need from them. The norm for that kind of relationship will
always be frustration.
Similarly, you can't expect a female who is still attached
to / dependent on her parents, or incapable of trusting/accommodating to you to
be a fulfilling partner no matter how pretty, smart, or occasionally charming
she might be.
If a girl ever asks you if you will like her as much if she
gains ten pounds, the honest healthy answer is "if it makes you more physically
attractive, yes, if not, then no" (for an underweight and/or anorexic
girl, ten more pounds would make them more physically attractive and healthy).
If a female is attractive, a healthy male will by his very magnetic nature be
into her. It's not a healthy male's job to artificially make a female feel
attractive, nurse her ego, nor would a healthy female expect that. (A more
feminine nurturing weaker male will provide the external reassurance some
females need, but the cost of that is a fulfilling sex life and/or lack of
financial independence.) Likewise, it's not a healthy female's job to
financially support a deadbeat boyfriend or to make him feel proactive when
he's not or to act as the proactive partner in the relationship. It's a
healthy female's responsibility to maximize and maintain her
attractiveness/accommodation just as it's a healthy male's responsibility to
maximize and maintain his pro-activeness/resourcefulness.
Romantic gestures which exceed normal honest human organic
expression (I like you, I think you are attractive, etc.) only serve to distort
accurate perception of the presence or absence of genuine organic chemistry.
The more banal, ordinary, uninteresting, and alcohol free the backdrop of a
date (or an entire relationship) the clearer both parties can perceive whether
real chemistry, magnetic attraction, naturally exists. If you have to resort to
impressing, dramatics, games, or worst of all blatant dishonesty to keep
someone interested, they are not really interested or capable of being
interested (broken magnet). Instead, focus your resources on constructive
paths, becoming a better person (fitness, vocation, intellectual interests,
etc), finding a healthy interested partner, etc..
If you use this metric to judge the health of the world, you
will arrive at the dismal reality. Men are rarely both proactive and
independent, at best they are one of the two, which is why the world is as
corrupt as it (most men can be bribed or conned into doing what a more powerful
person wants because they are not sufficiently independent financially and/or
intellectually/emotionally). Likewise, women are rarely both physically
attractive and accommodating, attractive and bitchy (overtly or covertly) or
unattractive and nice is the norm.
Why is the bar so low, why are people content to be so
unexceptional and often so proud when they are simply better than average?
One explanation which I can think of is an evolutionary
biology based one. As long as you are good enough to attract a mate, reproduce,
and raise another generation of genes, as far as your genes are concerned,
that's enough. Anything more does not serve your genes' interests so there is
no evolutionary wired instinctual motivation to be anything more than good
enough or selfishly prideful if you are notably above average in any way.
Another explanation (which may or may not be related to the
aforementioned one) deals with parental attachment issues. If you had a father
who wasn't proactive and/or independent and/or a mother who wasn't attractive
and/or accommodating and you are still attached to him and/or her consciously
or unconsciously, you naturally will prefer a partner who resembles your
opposite sex parent, and you will emulate the behavior of the same sex parent,
which continues the unhealthy cycle. As long as that dynamic is not too
unhealthy, i.e. good enough, the relationship might work. But, the infidelity
risk will be much higher, and the happiness/satisfaction or that kind of
relationship will always be lower than a proactive/independent +
attractive/accommodating model. A world full of people and relationships like
the former will naturally be more mediocre/unhappy/dysfunctional,
possibly/probably, as mediocre as the current world.
This is all a very sensitive issue because if there is truth
to it, what individual wants to admit that there was something fundamentally
wrong with their parents, or their parents relationship, or them-self, or their
current relationship. From an avoiding short term emotional pain standpoint,
it's easier to just dismiss this controversial idea and continue living a
familiar, normative, and typical mediocre dysfunctional life. But, from a long
term happiness perspective, I think it is very foolish to pursue that approach.
Can an unhealthy
relationship dynamic become a healthy one?
Maybe, but ultimately individuals can only
control/change/improve themselves. If a non-proactive and/or dependent male
becomes proactive and independent, they may no longer be desirable/workable to
their current partner. Their partner might have an abuse/trauma history (overt
or covert) such that they are only comfortable being in relationships where
they are the proactive partner, preferring only weak dependent males. Or, they
might have grown up with parents who had that strong female / weak male
relationship model, so that's simply what they are most comfortable with.
Whatever the reason, if they don't want to change their orientation (which is
certainly their right/choice), that situation will never work. In that
scenario, all you can do is respect their repulsion to the new you and move on.